This world of ours is in such a crazy place right now that it is hard to plan not just for tomorrow, but even for several hours from now. That is how rapidly things are changing. I think about how I was overwhelmed with how much there was to do and schedule for my family of 7 that I had a huge wall calendar with all our events, plus my purse calendar. This doesn’t count the tasking app on my phone, or the list stuck to the fridge because we have a Senior that had 3 months of deadlines and activities given to us by the school.
He is my firstborn, I have been dreading this time of our life as much as I have been looking forward to it. My baby will graduate High School, the final stepping stone to adulthood. He has earned it, more then deserves all the fun and excitement that these last few weeks would entail. However, that is not to be the case, as one dance has been canceled, most likely Senior Prom too, and the possibility of not walking for a graduation ceremony. These activities are rites of passage, I have been talking with him about them since kindergarten. My heart breaks not only for him and all Seniors but for us parents as well. We Did It! We made it this far and deserve to see our babies enjoy these final days of their childhood.
For some, it will be the last time they may ever see their friends as most are headed off to different colleges, vocational schools, or even jobs. School had become a joyous place with special events, breakfasts, award assemblies, activities designed specifically for the Senior class. What happens to the yearbooks, the dated announcements already ordered, for a few around the world Prom was already canceled with clothes never worn. That first dance with a long-time crush never experienced.
I don’t understand, nor do I know how long all of this might last, but I do know that this generation of Seniors is different than my Senior Class. We did not have access to technology and understanding that makes all of you a different breed. A group of adults that will be able to not only fix what we have lost but make it better. We will need you as if you have needed us. I believe in you and our future knowing that you will be the generation of reform and rebuilding.
Class of 2020, you are not forgotten and our heart breaks with you, but at the end of all this chaos, you will be the ones that make the biggest impact!
I recently came across this old picture and remembered that I had kept it to share this sweet story.
A few years ago, I had a four and six-year-old perched on the kitchen counter as they helped each other in making their own ham sandwich. Six-year-old, Daniel, was trying to ask for a condiment but struggling over a word, when Alex said, “I know what you want… the mustard!” Daniel excitedly replied, “That’s what it is called!” Curious I turned and asked Alex how he knew what Daniel needed. He looked up at me completely serious and answered, “I can hear his heart speak because I’m his brother.”
I have never forgotten this interaction. Such a simple answer for Alex was utterly profound to me. I am an only child so watching the relationship develop between my children fascinates me. I’d love to believe that the bond between siblings is unbreakable, but unfortunately, I know that isn’t true. I have been witness to the heartache of friends where there is a rift between brothers or sisters. I pray that will never happen to my children.
Obviously, they argue and fight, but the anger quickly fades as minutes later they are joking and laughing. Although they love to poke fun at one another, they are quick to come to one’s defense if they see that feelings are getting hurt. I have tried to raise them with the idea that they always stand united when facing playground bullies. We’ve had neighborhood kids learn early on that to play with one means being kind to all. As they’ve gotten older, I really do think that they are becoming best friends, knowing each other’s secrets and hopes for the future.
Watching these sibling relationships develop and mature over the years has helped me in my own relationships because these siblings are not just those of blood, but of love, a blended family coming together. They’ve taught me loyalty and trust during trying circumstances better than most adults I know. I can’t help but think what a better place our world might be if we took after Alex and made more of an effort to hear our brother’s and sister’s “heart speak”.
It seems only fair that I warn you that this may be a blog longer than most of my others, because I have a story to tell you about the crazy adventure that occurred to my family yesterday. I have had my share of dramatic events; some could even be considered near life or death, but I can honestly say that yesterday was one of the scariest days I have ever experienced. We woke up at 5:30 am so that we could leave the house by 6:30 am to take Cristian and Alex to acting class in Studio City. This was not our first rodeo, so we prepared ahead of time with not only packed lunches, but a cooler full of water, juice, and snacks. For those that don’t know, we live 3-4 hours from Los Angeles, acting class is also only 3-4 hours, so we typically head back the same day, making it home just in time for dinner. This trip, we took the other brothers with us, but Lily was able to miss the long car trip as she stayed with her grandparents. An uneventful trip down, although at the beginning of the Grapevine on the Northside we saw traffic backing up because a Semi-Truck must have forgotten to lock their doors and their entire inventory was strewn across the slow lane. Knowing we had 5 hours before we would be headed back, we assumed that the disaster would be cleaned up. The boys made it to acting class on time, while we spent a relaxing few hours in the local library. Released an hour early we took the boys over to the local public pool with intentions of a few hours of fun but upon arriving, it was apparent that we would be leaving with a major sunburn since none of the pools were covered in any shade. Taking a minute in the park, we decided to get back on the road a little early for maybe some water fun at home. Traffic was clear, we were in good spirits a few miles before we reached the Grapevine on I-5, there was a digital traffic sign that there was a lane closure causing a 75-minute delay. Before I continue, for those that are not familiar with our California Highways, this story demands an explanation of the CA Grapevine. This is a description from Wiki “The Grapevine that starts at the mouth of Grapevine Canyon, immediately south of the community, and ascends the canyon to the Tejon Pass, which separates the Tehachapi Mountains from the San Emigdio Mountains via Interstate 5 (formerly U.S. Route 99)…… The road is subject to severe weather and closure to traffic in winter. The stretch of I-5 through the Grapevine and the Tejon Pass is sometimes closed by the California Highway Patrol, generally because of the icy conditions combined with the steep grade of the pass, and the high traffic during the winter holidays. Occasionally, heavy rains will cause mud and rockslides, closing the freeway. The Highway Patrol is also concerned, especially with a large number of big-rigs that pass through, that just one accident in the icy or snowy conditions might force traffic to slow down or come to a complete stop, leaving hundreds of vehicles stalled at once. Whenever there is such a closure, traffic must either wait for it to reopen, or endure a slow multi-hour detour running between Bakersfield and Los Angeles via CA 58.” Basically, what you need to know is that once on the Grapevine you are essentially trapped as there are only 3 or 4 places that you can turn around if necessary. I have been traveling this road for my entire life, so I rarely think much about it. That was pretty much the attitude this day too after reading the sign, I checked the CalTrans website and read that a brush fire had started a few hours earlier that closed 2 lanes, but no new reports were given. As quoted above, you should have read that the alternate route would not only mean backtracking from where we were but traveling through Mojave. Continuing on the grapevine was almost comparable, maybe adding an additional 15 minutes to the longer alternate route, but the possibility the brush fire was contained, and the other lane was open. We were enjoying our time together and decided to just keep moving forward, but just in case, we took the last exit before entering to hydrate and urinate. As we returned to the car and begin the Grapevine incline, I brought out our last snack, 3 fruit and protein snacks shared between the 6 of us. I hear arguing, as trades happen between the backseats of cheddar cheese and apples. Then the car jumps, jumps again, as I question, “What was that?” obvious answer, “I don’t know” and it happens again before the lights in the car dashboard flash and we lose all power. Fortunately, we were in the middle and crossed quickly to the emergency lane, barely coasting to the closest Emergency Call Box, because I did not know what was happening. We made it, the car stopped, we were safe, unless you are the mom that sees a line of cars on the left and a cliff down a mountainside on the right. The boys were strangely quiet, except for the ‘What Happened’ that I honestly answered with an ‘I don’t know, stay buckled.’ I knew we had roadside assistance, although, I also knew we were in more than just a little bit of trouble, that I was in a line of stopped traffic behind and in front, far from an exit ahead, but one step at a time, first needing to know how to tell anyone how to reach us. The Call Box was a new experience and not the friendliest, but they were dealing with a lot of Calls, as we found out we were only 4.5 miles into the Grapevine and we had seen several calls already on the side of the road. I called my insurance, which also had trouble determining my location, but dispatched a tow-truck. So.. everything was A-Okay, we had help on the way, people knew where we were, although phone service was sketchy, and we were in a semi-safe location. Did I fail to mention, temps were reaching 100 degrees, and we all had less than a bottle of water each, that was getting warm, traffic started to speed up and we could have been a little closer to the edge for me to feel comfortable. I know that all would say No, but I did unbuckle and only let them exit the car in our last hour because we were dripping in sweat. I felt so guilty, for so many things… colder water, a snack, entertainment, a non-broken car so I wasn’t watching to make sure we weren’t hit on the road. HAVING CHILDREN IN A DANGEROUS SITUATION CHANGED MY WHOLE PERSPECTIVE! I could not even think straight, although, I was trying to be very calm and figure things out not even knowing what was going to happen. We were literally just existing on the side of I-5, about 3:30 and I received a call at 4:30 from a tow-service. This is where it got really interesting. First, he asked where we were, I told him to the best of my ability, he told me that if we were outside of Castiac (the last stop before the Grapevine) that he could not help us. Then he asked what the problem was, I said, I didn’t know but the battery flashed and was asking for a jump. He listened to my description, and said, “A battery jump won’t help, so I can’t waste service for that, but I can tow you to your desired location.” I explained that I had no idea what else was wrong with the car, that I did not know the nearest auto service location, and the insurance agent told me that only I could go with the tow-truck driver and I was not leaving my kids on the highway. He continued to explain his reasoning for his unofficial diagnosis of the van, and that he understood my frustration and was sorry for my circumstance. Now, I need to admit that this man’s tone sounded condescending and he had initially said, he could not even come to where we were stranded so I already wanted to hang up, but good manners prevailed. Once he mentioned my frustration, I barely interrupted, but did so to say, “ I am not frustrated, actually, I take that back, I am as I am sitting in the hot sun on a freeway with 4 children and a broken car with a brush fire ahead and no way to go forward, back, or even sideways. We are trapped and I have no clue as to what to do.” He responded with, “Now, I am irritated now too because I hear your situation, and I am going to make some calls and send someone out to you. I will make sure they have room to take all of you to a location of your choosing and suggest you come here because I am sure it is your alternator. I don’t do that kinda work anymore, but think we have one here and can fix it for you tonight.” I wasn’t sure about him, or anything, but I knew we needed to be off the road.” Did I mention that during this time 8 fire vehicles passed us, and while on the phone, a CHP finally showed to check on us, as well as 5 other cars around us. Things were a mess. They thought it would take 30 minutes for the tow-truck, it took 90 minutes before he got there. The nicest guy, Hunter, and he did try to jump the battery, but it would not hold a charge, however, he looked like the driver you never want to show up late-night, again, “Don’t judge a book by its cover,” He fit all of us in his truck, loaded the van and we were on our way. We backtracked, but once we saw the ahead traffic, we were not moving anywhere. The fire was yet to be contained and we had been on the mountain for 4 hours. Finally, reaching the shop, they determined it was indeed the alternator, and although it was after 7 pm agreed to work for 2 hours to fix and loaned us a car to take the boys to dinner. We were on the road by 9:30, with a discounted labor and equipment fee, plus a free quart of oil as we are due an oil change. I did a little research and it does look like received a nice discount, but we don’t have an emergency fund set up. I thank Jesus that this happened at the beginning of the month, but we have a lot of things to work out for the rest of our monthly bills.
My point in sharing, is my gratefulness for our safety, for realizing our reliance on others in times of need, and the genuine good of strangers. I also learned not to be so judgmental, although I never thought I was, and to be better prepared. Maybe a better or added Emergency Kit, definitely Emergency Food and Fund, because now I have a whole different set of stressors as I look at how to cover such a fee. But I am most grateful for how well behaved the boys were, with not one word of complaint, only jokes, and sentiment trying to keep the mood light and being understanding of the situation. From now on, I will look with more compassion to those on the side of the road and if there is something, I can ever do for them.
“Our truest life is when we are in dreams… Awake.”
I heard this quote by Henry David Thoreau just the other day and couldn’t help but ponder on how brilliant a statement it was and wonder why we, society, fail to realize how truly “good” life really is. We are headed into the New Year of 2018, so like most I am reflective as well as focused on the future. I would like to say that this year has been unusual for me, but I tend to live my life on the road less traveled; however, I can admit that this was an unexpected Christmas. I was not focused on the holiday because my boys were going to be with their father this year, until 3 days before Christmas and plans changed. I was rushing around like a crazy lady, trying to create Christmas Magic in our home to give a memory to remember. What I failed to realize was that I was so focused on the commercial aspect that I didn’t stop to give real meaning to the day. Please don’t misunderstand, I only gave the boys two gifts each and the continual reminder of why we celebrate Christmas, but as a mother, in not planning on them being here with me, I felt stressed and uneasy on not being prepared. (It’s a Mommy thing) Christmas came and went, the boys seemed to be grateful and happy.
The feelings for me have carried over as we prepare to celebrate the upcoming New Year. Always a difficult time of the year because my cousin, Sarah, passed on that witching hour, what I have come to realize was 5 years ago. She holds a special place in my heart as my first girl cousin, and we had recently began to reconnect as I made plans to move back to Fresno that same year. She was too young, too beautiful, and her children are only raised by the great memories we share so that they may know and remember their mother. Then I think on my mother that passed a short year later and how I was blessed with having her for my entire childhood. This weighs heavy on my heart and then I read through social media to find friends suffering the same burdens. Many are grieving for past loved ones, some fresh and new. The hands of time do not stop for the holidays, life is an unexpected blessing and we need to cherish it as such.
This brings me back to the quote. Our Truest Life…. I love that word True. What is it that makes or gives you, your truest life? For me it would be Love. I fail in so many ways every day, but as long as I can put my sons to bed knowing that they feel secure in my love, then I feel accomplished. Certainly, I want to provide more for them; to Live our Dream, Awake, but until that day, I need to learn to Cherish Every Moment. To quit focusing on the details, to see that every minute I spend stressing the small stuff, they are growing older and days are passing me by.
With this New Year, I want to make a Resolution or an Affirmation, that I will See the Bigger Picture, Focus on the Dream, but take Time in the Moments! If I only live for a brighter future, I may miss the journey it took to get there and that is really where the greatness lies. For these boys, I am their world and for some reason, I never understood what a true blessing that is….. I always felt that this responsibility was often an overwhelming burden more then blessing. Some may read that and find me callous and shallow, but I also know that there are plenty of mothers for which that statement will ring true.
For 2018, I challenge each of us to take on our burdens and bare them as blessings. To achieve our dreams wide awake, so that each day may be joy unto itself. Take pleasure in all things, big or small, positive or negative….. because in this life the only thing certain is the uncertainty of each day. It can always be better or it can always be worse…. Essentially it is what you make it, so make it the best it can be!
I know that for many 50 blogs does not seem like much cause for celebration but it is for me. Writing is something that I love to do but I struggle to maintain blogging on a routine basis. I continue to remain hopeful that I will get better at feeling comfortable blogging more regularly. However the last few weeks I have been very busy and have not made time to focus. I wanted to make sure not to be distracted as I was able to finally get my Copyright and registered with the Writers Guild of America West. It felt surreal as it verified for me that I am an official author. This came on the Wings of another accomplishment for our little family. After two years of being in the business and having the boys managed by Young Performers Management, we were also able to secure representation for Cristian and Alex with SALT Agency in Los Angeles. Cris has worked diligently for this opportunity and I am so incredibly proud of him.
I have a feeling that our lives are in full swing and I am dedicated to this forward momentum for all of us. It may mean big changes and a big move but I know that we are ready, I can only hope that Los Angeles is ready for all of us.
Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as, a 9-5 job, a mortgage/rent, a car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups.
Used in a sentence: Jane is adulting quite well today as she is on time for work promptly at 8am and appears well groomed.
… And this would be why there are so many different meme’s with quotes of “I can’t Adult today,” “Adulting is Hard, Send Wine,” the positive meme to motivate “Adulting like a Boss,” and my personal favorite, “I’m Done Adulting, Let’s be Mermaids,” plus 100’s more. Which I find ironic being that “Adulting” is not even a recognized word, grammatically unless you are a millennial and upon research is yet to even be established as a noun or a verb.
However, I relate to the context and like the term, so this is the theme for my blog of the week. I could write for days about the responsibilities of being an Adult, or Parent, or a Single Parent but we ‘already know’ so no reason to go there. I am, instead, going to go a little bit deeper and talk about those times when you have to make a Choice; the really Big Kind, like Life Altering Kind! The worst part about it is, since you are the adult, the parent, your ‘choice’ now affects all of those within your circle.
I have basically grown up in the military or with enough family support around me that My decisions were still Never really My Own. I am now in a position in my life where I actually Am the Adult. This means that what I choose is ‘Make or Break,.’ If my choice is wrong, it is ultimately up to me to Fix it. Obviously as a single mother of 4, we have had some big decisions along the way….. I am just now being presented with one of those “once in a lifetime” kinda options. I can follow my dream and jump in with both feet and hope that I catch the wave or at least swim in the current, knowing that there is no life boat in sight. Or I tread, barely keeping my head above water…… waiting for another life preserver that may never come.
The Motherly part of me says to stay put, where I am familiar and safe, but the Adult side says that if I stay put, never to follow my destiny, I am already treading water and I have to agree…….. it goes fully against my nature to not follow my instincts. I am a great mother, and I can say this with humility because my son’s are amazing, each in their own right but it is because of them that I know I can trust myself to do what is right and not second guess my decisions.
Adulting is difficult, more so, when you are responsible for more than yourself, but trust your heart, your dream, your destiny and don’t let go of your chance to make it.
Yesterday I shared my first video of myself across social media. It was meant to be a Live video as that seems to be what is trending, but I could not bring myself to “yet” make that leap. I, instead, sat alone in my room and recorded a minute long video of myself. It was simple, I asked people that Follow Autumn Brooke on Facebook to also Follow my Author Page at AutumnBrookeOnline. However, this simple one minute recording took me all day to work up the courage to film and then at least 30 minutes behind a locked door as I deleted every video I took. I knew that I was being ridiculous in my critiques and would never be satisfied. To be honest, I am not even sure that the posted video is because I finally gave up, or the boys were repeatedly knocking on the door with the ever so familiar “Mom, Mom….. are you okay? Why is the door locked? I’m hungry! Mom, my brother hit me!” It doesn’t matter what made me stop recording; the point was, I did it. Yes, it took me two days to then work up the nerve to post it, but I did that too and all of it was totally outside of my comfort zone and that is what matters. You have heard it said that “your life begins outside of your comfort zone” “the magic happens outside of your comfort zone” ect, ect….. The list goes on and on and that’s because it is probably true. Talking on a recording was a big deal for me. I have tried it many times before, even in a professional atmosphere, but it has yet to get easier, but I continue to try and will keep making that effort. Why? Not because the few viewings went viral or made me instantly famous, (which is not my goal) but I do want to be successful enough in my writing and the selling of the novel, and feature film adaptation that I need to put myself out there. I need to feel comfortable with being on camera or talking about myself. My favorite place to be is settled on my sofa, in a pair of yoga pants, tank top, and most likely a glass of wine nearby…. but that comfort zone is not going to find me the success that I desire. I am the only one that makes myself feel nervous, and I am the only one that can tell myself to get up off the couch and reach for the stars. It is all up to me to make my dreams a reality and achieve my goals. I know that my story is meant to be told, read, and shared, but that only happens if I make it happen. I was Active Duty Air Force for a few years in my early 20’s and it really made an impact in who I am today. One of the most important lessons I took away was how many people told me that I was not Military material or would be able to handle Basic Training, I learned to not only Rise to the Challenge but surpass all expectations, and excel in whatever I do. I’ve continued to live by that philosophy in all aspects of my life, but am only now realizing that I need to do the same within the boundaries that “I” put on myself. The future is limitless, and so is your destiny.
“Life is like a puddle~ you can stand on the edge and watch the reflection of what is…. Or you can jump in and create a wave.” (Kristine Peterson)
I read this quote and instantly fell in love. It resonated throughout my whole being as I realized that this was the reason that just last week, I stopped everything and took myself outside with the boys. There was finally a break in the rain that had left an ocean of puddles. The boys asked if they could jump in them and I said, “of course”! An earlier blog mentions how I often allow, encourage, my children to find that childhood joy only found by playing in the puddles. It was just after 4:30pm on Friday, I poured a glass of wine and sat in the front watching the smiles and listening to their laughter. The street, busier than usual, as neighbors were driving home from work, grinning and waving as they saw the boys. I remember wondering how many of them remembered the days they too had played in the rain.
That thought led me to question why we stop seeing the puddle as an opportunity but as an obstacle. I had recently become this person. This past week had been more trying then most, filled with a multitude of spirit breaking trials. (Why there was No Wednesday Blog last week) Our oven blew a coil and I had to wait a week for a replacement. Then a valve broke that shut the water off for 48 hours. Living without was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. It was one thing after another for so many days that I was ready to blow my own fuse. Then the benefit of social media let me read a post. Gratefully not a political rant, but one of blessing, as a Facebook friend was grateful that they had made it home safe to kiss their children after barely avoiding a most likely fatal accident. I took pause, thinking how my difficult week was not even near the tragedy that others may have faced.
It is important to always remember to count your blessings and be grateful that if there is a puddle as an obstacle on your path, keep moving forward. If the puddle is too big to step around then use that opportunity to leap in and make a wave.
Let me begin by saying this is NOT a political post despite the way that it looks. The Inauguration is just the topic of the day, no matter where you look. My children even came home from school having watched it for an hour or two in their classrooms. I thought about what I might discuss with them about such an important day in history but unsure of my standpoint on a political level. My social news feed was crowded with videos of RIOTS for those that were against our new President mostly due to issues on RACE. This was not a topic I wanted around our dinner table. What would I say? These people have a RIGHT to their opinion and to let their voice be heard, but they are wrong to RIOT and cause violence all because of RESENTMENT, RETALIATION, and RETRIBUTION. These R’s are what seem to be the REASON for so much anger and animosity in our world, not just in regard to politics, but in many areas of our life. The world seems to be full of people not choosing to forgive, understand, or accept change. And that is really what it is all about. CHANGE! A difficult word for most, certainly hard to accept if one does not initiate it for themselves because it means an unwanted change in circumstance. I teach my children that acceptance is key. We cannot always get what we want in this life and the sooner we learn to live with it the better. So, LOVE TRUMPS HATE…. that is the statement of the Day. It is everywhere today and on both sides. It is True, as most would choose Love over Hate, my Grandma would say “You can catch more flies with honey, then with vinegar”. Now I know what I will talk about at the dinner table tonight, as I do not want to raise my children to have serious Entitlement Issues. What the Military taught me, what they have been teaching for years. Actually, I think it has just become old school, somewhere along the way we got too soft. My words for my kids, in any walk of life…. when you cannot change the situation and are forced to accept it, Just Grow Up and Get Over It!
Happy 2017! I have never been a fan of New Year’s Resolutions, choosing instead to constantly push myself towards the positive which ultimately means changes occur within my life all year long. One of those, I am dedicating to the New Year and that is stated within the above picture. I am committing myself to posting a new blog each and every Wednesday. This may not seem like much of a challenge to many of you, but I posted in July of 2015, titled Worst Blogger Ever, because I recognized that consistently writing on the blog is difficult for me. It is not that I don’t write, or have anything to say, it is simply taking the time to make it worthy for my readers. I struggle with knowing that the content that I put out is intriguing enough to be shared.
I made a personal choice this Holiday Season as I sat down and evaluated what changes I need to make within my personal and business life so that I truly can #BeInspiredToInspire. I realized that I was finding myself in a rut. I have been focused on the novel, turn screenplay, Brides Aweigh and in order not to distract myself from this unbelievable opportunity, I’ve stepped back from a lot of my free writing and I believe that this has unfortunately separated me from my blog. However, that is not good for me, nor my followers. It disconnects me not only from my readers but also from myself.
Writing for me is my way of finding ME Time in the midst of being a Full Time Single Mother of 4 Beautifully Busy Boys. I have adult conversations by sharing my blog with the world even if it is only for a few minutes a day and I owe it to myself to stay Dedicated and Consistent in order to Restore myself to remaining AutumnBrookeOnline. I was inspired to start up this blog on the continued request of my mother. She told me repeatedly that my life was full of enough fodder to maintain a blog and it wasn’t about the content as long as I was writing. So, with that being said and by sharing this post, I am dedicating myself to all of you and me too. I will trust that you will hold me accountable by checking in every Wednesday to see if I have indeed succeeded in Sharing My Words; Heart, Mind, & Soul with all of you. Here is the First for this Weds of our New Year…….
