It has been a strange last few days for me. So enlightening, in fact, that I have come to realize that it has been an odd last few years. I’ve really come to think about all that I have lost and gained in the last few years as my marriage came to an end, my first home that I bought and built from the ground up was lost to me, as was my mother…. There are many more losses. I only mention those because they are like a rite of passage as we grow up. There are expectations placed upon us of “who” and “where” you are supposed to be by a certain age, and I followed all the rules, yet here I am, having met said goals, but losing them along the way. It may not be so bad if people didn’t remind me all the time that I am not “getting any younger.” Or my favorite is “you should be settled by now” like I intended to be in this position at this stage of my life. I generally take most of it in stride, but there is always those few moments that slap us in the face that remind you that you are “FAILING” as an Adult. Today that was TAX Day, I got to go in and file my taxes which have not been fun in the last few years, only to be reminded of where I should be, or where I was, or that maybe, next year, will be better. Tax Preparers, People, who don’t know anything about you, but they are reading the intimate details of your financial well-being, meaning they probably know you better than some of your closest friends or family. There is a look of judgement or sorrow as they gaze across the desk at you, hopefully doing their best to keep you from paying in on debts that never should have happened.
It is on these days that the brave façade crumbles and maybe you cry into your wine or break down in tears as your head touches the pillow. Or you could be me, just can’t sleep and decide to blog before the sun comes up, knowing that you have a full schedule to complete for the day and in two hours it will be time to start another day of doing the best you can. Sometimes on these breaking days we are fortunate to have a friend to tell you that you are amazing and it will all get better. To listen while you vent and understand that you just need someone to “hear” you. Other times you vent only to be rebuked and judged for these “weak” moments.
Life isn’t fair! A statement I have heard, said, repeated a multitude of times. I understand and respect it. Which will bring me back to my first paragraph where I said I was evaluating my losses and my gains. The losses hurt, I do cry like a little girl when I am overwhelmed. I also am known to feel sorry for myself, need copious amounts of attention, and feel extremely sensitive. This comes following a day that I am praised by a few, even my own son, the teenager, for being the strongest woman he knows, mentally and physically. This is why I refer to loss and gain, a roller coaster of emotions in the last year especially. As this may have been the most difficult time of my life, up to date, it has also held some of my highest moments. Becoming a mother was amazing, but being a mother to a son that you can have a grown up conversation with and see the man you are raising, is even more amazing. Knowing that after the onset of tears, stress, and struggle you rise up to solve the problem is a rush of gratitude and independence. The pure joy of abandoned laughter unknown in previous years is such a blessing. These are gains that I wouldn’t have experienced the same or as fully if it wasn’t for the pain of the losses.
I am not unique, everyone has their own series of loss and gain, also causing their own joy and pain. If we can come together in this and stop the judgement and condemnation we can support one another. Maybe make that really hard day a little bit easier for someone. I believe that most of us are doing are best, we may need some help now and again, even if just a word of encouragement. They say “It takes a village to raise a child.” I don’t think that stops when we are grown. As we raise the children with the village, do we really ever stop raising ourselves? Age is a number, I am still growing and learning every day. I make mistakes, I may act like a child at times, but I get stronger and smarter along the way.
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